Author: Mark Twain Page 6

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Happiness Intelligence Money Poverty Wealth

To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs People

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Characteristics Facts Science/Weather

If you substitute damn every time you’re inclined to write very your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Death

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Money

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People

I would like to live in Manchester, England; the transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Insults Places

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Congress Fools Government Insults Intelligence

The first act occupied three hours… I enjoyed that in spite of the singing.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Reviews/Criticism

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Golf Sports

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Religion

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Science/Weather

Somewhere between the Angels and the French lies the rest of humanity.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Cats People

It resembles a tortoise shell cat having a fit in a plate of tomatoes.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Art Reviews/Criticism

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity… another man’s, I mean.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Problems

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Situations