Author: Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Emotions Love Money People Women

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay, and signed autographs for people who’ve been gone from America for so long they didn’t realize that I’m not famous.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Success

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink

What’s interesting about sports writers is that they don’t know how to play sports, and a lot of them don’t know how to write.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Communication Occupations Reading/Writing Work

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Death

I shouldn’t say bad things about the illiterate, though… I should write it.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Family Relationships

I got an E-Trade account… turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Money

I don't know why people video tape sex because after I have sex, the only thing I can think of is that I'm glad nobody saw that.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Sex

Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya’ … and I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Communication Language People Self

I was an altar boy as a kid… and the answer is no.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Beliefs

It was a hard name to have growing up as a child; kids would call me names like “Birbiglebug” and “Birbibliography” and “Faggot.”

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
People Self

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs; and then I dance, and they’re like ‘not like that!’

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Dance Entertainment People Self

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Animals

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace, which I think is fine, cause if we didn’t make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Marriage Money People Women