Author: Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Marriage Memory Problems Sex Wives

I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Old

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Future Time

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Characteristics Husbands Marriage Wives

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Future Situations Time

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Food/Drink Money Old

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Entertainment People

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Health Old Things

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Congress Government Politicians Speech Time

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Body Mothers Science/Weather

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Characteristics Money

Folks who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
America Elections/Voting Government Places

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Food/Drink People

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
People Time

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Congress Government Intelligence Wisdom

Why are we honoring this man? … have we run out of human beings?

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Insults

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Old Sex

John Davidson: How long does a person have to be missing to be officially declared a missing person?

Milton Berle: If it's a Jewish family…one meal.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Hollywood Squares

I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Emotions Laughter