Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 10

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Conflict Fights

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried; it never kicked in.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Food/Drink

You know they call corn-on-the-cob – corn-on-the-cob… but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, – corn-off-the-cob.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude; Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities