Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 10

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Failure Problems Things

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Money Wealth

I like Kit-Kats unless I’m with four or more people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink People

Apartment Depot… is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Places

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; and if you drink twenty… you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment