Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 10

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Money Wealth

Remember that show My Three Sons? … it’d be funny if it was called My One Dad.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Television

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink