Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 2

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Entertainment People

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts, and he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it; I said, f**k that, I’ll just make a copy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I'm sick of 'soup of the day,' it's time we made a decision.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities