Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 2

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Food/Drink

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Memory Television

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Self Sports

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today; she asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People Self

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. … you're supposed to yell, Fore! but I was too busy yelling, “There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Golf Sports

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities People

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Intelligence