Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 3

I'm sick of 'soup of the day,' it's time we made a decision.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

You know they call corn-on-the-cob – corn-on-the-cob… but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, – corn-off-the-cob.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match: “It's a fight to the finish” … that's a good place to end.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Boxing Sports

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Intelligence

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,“Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did, and it was a load off my mind; then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Memory Television

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

I used to be a hot-tar roofer… yeah, I remember that day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Work

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth; they didn’t have to make separations for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude; Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house – then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to; but first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Music