Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 4

I can read minds but, it’s pointless cause I’m illiterate.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Intelligence Reading/Writing

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Beliefs Food/Drink Opinion

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Intelligence

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You know they call corn-on-the-cob – corn-on-the-cob… but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, – corn-off-the-cob.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health Sports

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations