Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 4

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I can read minds but, it’s pointless cause I’m illiterate.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Intelligence Reading/Writing

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Communication

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Food/Drink

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

I have a vest; if I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Reading/Writing

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Work

Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink People

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Things

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt;” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink