Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 5

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match: “It's a fight to the finish” … that's a good place to end.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one's the real hero?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go; on a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, “Where’d you get that banana?”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm sick of 'soup of the day,' it's time we made a decision.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian