Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 5
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match: “It's a fight to the finish” … that's a good place to end.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Boxing
Sports
Fight to the finish
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family
Things
Brothers
Twin beds
Twins
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up; so which one's the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Belt
Suspenders
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go; on a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, “Where’d you get that banana?”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Bananas
traffic lights
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money
Things
Caring
Pens
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Cavities
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Waffles
I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Fishing
Fishsticks
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Cloud 9
Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Animals
Games
Gambling
Snake eyes
My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Girlfriends
People
Work
Hooters
I'm sick of 'soup of the day,' it's time we made a decision.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink
Soup of the day
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Things
Watches
Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Things
Photographs
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Language
Reading/Writing
Jokes
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Work
Conditions
Sweat shops
This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Language
Comedy
Criticism
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Appliances
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Lucky numbers
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication
Pager
Telephone
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Hair
Highlights
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