Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 5

I type a 101 words a minute… but it's in my own language.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt;” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Anger Emotions Girlfriends

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us… or they thought we were OK.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink