Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 8

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Places

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Food/Drink

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite; green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the heck did you get that banana?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes, and I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Games