Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If you're a fish, and you want to be a fish stick, you must have very good posture.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I used to do drugs; I still do, but I used to, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Past

Apartment Depot… is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Places

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health Sports

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the f**ker gave me the smallest slice possible; if the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the f**ker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Self Sports

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Conflict Fights