Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes; now how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Self Sports

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2; that's why 2 was created.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "F**k that… I'll just get a tan instead.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts and he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it; I said, f**k that, I'll just make a copy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Reading/Writing

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

On fishing shows they always throw the fish back; they don’t want to eat them, they just want to make them late for something.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem; there’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals

By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude; Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health Sports

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People