Author: Mitch Hedberg Page 9

By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude; Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Entertainment People

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2; that's why 2 was created.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

This shirt is “dry-clean only”… which means it’s dirty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Conflict Fights

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication

I miss the $2 bill, ‘cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks; there you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Music

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Communication

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. … you're supposed to yell, Fore! but I was too busy yelling, “There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Golf Sports

I'm sick of 'soup of the day,' it's time we made a decision.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I have a vest; if I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink