Author Mr. Cranky | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mr. Cranky

Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Daredevil”

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boogie Nights”

If you want to see what happens when independent filmmakers have too much money and don’t know what to do with it, just go see Bee Season.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Bee Season”

This is the same old, tired crap that Woody Allen has been exporting for who knows how many years now. It's like drinking milk with an expiration date from the Reagan era.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Along Came a Spider”

[Director Michael] Caton-Jones has about as much understanding of symbol and metaphor as a sock puppet.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “City by the Sea”

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Thor”

Andy has two problems common to most Americans: He's a moron and he's itching to get laid.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “An American Werewolf in Paris”

If I were a cop and I had seen both Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, I'd be at writer Kevin Williamson’s house searching it for drugs. If I didn't find something, I'd plant a kilo of heroin in his ass for writing this piece of crap.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “I Know What You Did Last Summer”

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boys and Girls”

Barb Wire is unlikely to spark heated intellectual debate at film schools anytime soon.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Barb Wire”

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Forces of Nature”

Anybody who refers to this film as “brilliant” is a moron.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “187”

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first Anaconda sucked.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid”

It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism Down to You

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Horrible Bosses”

It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Bad Teacher”

You know, when the Devil’s spawn are susceptible to steak-knife attacks, evil has a problem.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Alien Vs. Predator”

I really should dynamite this movie just for forcing me to watch Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler try to act. The dude plays himself and I didn’t believe it – that’s how bad he is.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Be Cool”

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anchorman”

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Author: Mr. Cranky

Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

If you want to see what happens when independent filmmakers have too much money and don’t know what to do with it, just go see Bee Season.

This is the same old, tired crap that Woody Allen has been exporting for who knows how many years now. It's like drinking milk with an expiration date from the Reagan era.

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

[Director Michael] Caton-Jones has about as much understanding of symbol and metaphor as a sock puppet.

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Andy has two problems common to most Americans: He's a moron and he's itching to get laid.

If I were a cop and I had seen both Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, I'd be at writer Kevin Williamson’s house searching it for drugs. If I didn't find something, I'd plant a kilo of heroin in his ass for writing this piece of crap.

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

Barb Wire is unlikely to spark heated intellectual debate at film schools anytime soon.

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Anybody who refers to this film as “brilliant” is a moron.

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first Anaconda sucked.

It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

You know, when the Devil’s spawn are susceptible to steak-knife attacks, evil has a problem.

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

I really should dynamite this movie just for forcing me to watch Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler try to act. The dude plays himself and I didn’t believe it – that’s how bad he is.

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.