Author Mr. Cranky | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mr. Cranky

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Forces of Nature”

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Chill Factor”

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “X-Men: The Last Stand”

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first Anaconda sucked.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid”

At first, I thought the sword sequences were in slow-motion, but then I realized these guys just suck.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Highlander: Endgame”

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Empire” Denise Richards

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Connie and Carla”

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Assassination Tango”

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boogie Nights”

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Along Came a Spider”

I was stunned beyond words at the originality of the screenplay.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “D3: The Mighty Ducks”

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Miscellaneous Reviews/Criticism “Coach Carter”

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Horrible Bosses”

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Breakfast of Champions”

While Stone may look good for her age, the reality is that such behavior in the real world would likely leave her less sexy and irresistible, and more partially decomposed.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Basic Instinct 2”

In this day and age, there’s simply no good excuse for having that many children.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Cheaper by the Dozen 2”

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anchorman”

This Mamet adaptation takes place in a very confined space, involves little or no action and is mostly concerned with how many minutes an actor can spew Mamet's laborious dialogue without collapsing.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “American Buffalo”

There is some serious venom spewing from this movie, probably because screenwriters Steve Franks and Tim Herlihy are beginning to realize their only talent in life consists of riding their friend’s coattails through the Garden of Mediocrity.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Big Daddy”

It’s truly rare that you see this level of insightful childhood psychoanalysis in a film about a basketball-playing dog.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Air Bud”

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Author: Mr. Cranky

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first Anaconda sucked.

At first, I thought the sword sequences were in slow-motion, but then I realized these guys just suck.

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

I was stunned beyond words at the originality of the screenplay.

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

While Stone may look good for her age, the reality is that such behavior in the real world would likely leave her less sexy and irresistible, and more partially decomposed.

In this day and age, there’s simply no good excuse for having that many children.

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

This Mamet adaptation takes place in a very confined space, involves little or no action and is mostly concerned with how many minutes an actor can spew Mamet's laborious dialogue without collapsing.

There is some serious venom spewing from this movie, probably because screenwriters Steve Franks and Tim Herlihy are beginning to realize their only talent in life consists of riding their friend’s coattails through the Garden of Mediocrity.

It’s truly rare that you see this level of insightful childhood psychoanalysis in a film about a basketball-playing dog.