Author Mr. Cranky | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mr. Cranky Page 2

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Forces of Nature”

This film has all the energy of a rotting corpse.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Eddie”

Steve Guttenberg and a friendship between a dog and a dolphin – in what fiery pit of hell was this heartwarming plot conjured?

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Zeus and Roxanne”

If you want to see what happens when independent filmmakers have too much money and don’t know what to do with it, just go see Bee Season.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Bee Season”

Captain America is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Captain America”

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Chill Factor”

If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Baseketball”

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Alien Vs. Predator”

The weird part about the advertising for Midnight in Paris is that it wasn't at all presented as some kind of time travel fantasy, which meant I left my aviator goggles and opium ampoules at home.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Midnight in Paris”

At first, I thought the sword sequences were in slow-motion, but then I realized these guys just suck.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Highlander: Endgame”

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Thor”

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Empire” Denise Richards

There’s saccharine writing and then there’s writing that, if you could liquefy it and inject it into the five-year-olds watching this thing, would launch them into space. This is the latter.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Because of Winn-Dixie”

Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who made the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Cowboys & Aliens”

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

It's Melanie Griffith's best role yet… which is like saying the morphine shots are the best part about having first-degree burns over 80 percent of your body.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Another Day in Paradise”

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Breakfast of Champions”

In this day and age, there’s simply no good excuse for having that many children.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Cheaper by the Dozen 2”

While Stone may look good for her age, the reality is that such behavior in the real world would likely leave her less sexy and irresistible, and more partially decomposed.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Basic Instinct 2”

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Dude Where’s My Car?”

Director Ted Demme is a moron, and here’s why.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism The film “Blow”

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Author: Mr. Cranky Page 2

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

This film has all the energy of a rotting corpse.

Steve Guttenberg and a friendship between a dog and a dolphin – in what fiery pit of hell was this heartwarming plot conjured?

If you want to see what happens when independent filmmakers have too much money and don’t know what to do with it, just go see Bee Season.

Captain America is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

The weird part about the advertising for Midnight in Paris is that it wasn't at all presented as some kind of time travel fantasy, which meant I left my aviator goggles and opium ampoules at home.

At first, I thought the sword sequences were in slow-motion, but then I realized these guys just suck.

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

There’s saccharine writing and then there’s writing that, if you could liquefy it and inject it into the five-year-olds watching this thing, would launch them into space. This is the latter.

Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who made the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

It's Melanie Griffith's best role yet… which is like saying the morphine shots are the best part about having first-degree burns over 80 percent of your body.

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

In this day and age, there’s simply no good excuse for having that many children.

While Stone may look good for her age, the reality is that such behavior in the real world would likely leave her less sexy and irresistible, and more partially decomposed.

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

Director Ted Demme is a moron, and here’s why.