Author: Neal Brennan

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Communication

People get way too much credit at funerals.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Death

The leading cause of hot air balloon crashes is blowing an open flame into a f**king cloth balloon with a basket attached.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Accidents Problems Things

I like how on cop cars, “To protect and serve” is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Government

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Marriage

Just unfollowed the Pope for the second time in my life.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Beliefs Religion

Just tried to switch to Bing… Google was like, “You can, but it’d be a real shame if some of your old searches got out.”

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Computers Things