Author: Nick Offerman

Never half-ass two things; whole-ass one thing.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
TV/Movie Quotes

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
America Places TV/Movie Quotes

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
TV/Movie Quotes

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying… skim milk… which is water that’s lying about being milk.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
TV/Movie Quotes

Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?

Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
TV/Movie Quotes

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Turkey can never beat cow.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

There must be a mistake: you’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Appearance Hair TV/Movie Quotes

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Animals Dogs TV/Movie Quotes

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
TV/Movie Quotes