Author: P.J. O'Rourke

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Books Communication Death Reading/Writing

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Government Politicians Work

Why don’t you come over tonight? … our dog’s in heat.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Insults

The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Appearance Clothing

I’ve only been a New Yorker for ten years but the only people who are nice to us turn out to be Moonies.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
New York City People Places

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Government Places

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Age Government People

A compromise in the sense that being bitten in half by a shark is a compromise with being swallowed whole.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Situations

Compared to the Clintons, Reagan is living proof that a Republican with half a brain is better than a Democrat with two.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Insults Politicians

Americans don't really understand what's going on in Bosnia; to them it's the unspellables killing the unpronouncables.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Communication Language Places

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Housework Situations World

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Activities America Drugs Education People

The French are masters of ‘the dog ate my homework’ school of diplomatic relations.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
People Places

The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations, they’re quarrels with borders.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Conflict Fights Places

The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven’t yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Appearance Clothing

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Appearance Cats Clothing

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Family Parents

Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Insults People

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Government Politicians

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas Sex Situations

All bachelors love dogs, and we would love children just as much if they could be taught to retrieve.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Dogs