Author: Pat Paulsen

Sex doesn’t have to be taught; it’s something most of us are born with.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
School Sex

I believe in the right to arm bears.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Beliefs Opinion Wordplay

A good many people feel that our present draft laws are unjust; these people are called soldiers

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Military

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Law People

I don’t want to say too much about illegal immigration; I’m afraid my views will be reported on the Cinco O’Clock News.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
People Television

No Taxes… let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Money Taxes

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Emotions Future History Time

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation; among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Characteristics Government Honesty Lies Politicians

I am neither left wing nor right wing; I am middle-of-the-bird.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Politics

If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Places

I've upped my standards; now, up yours.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Characteristics

What middle class? … there's only seven people left in the middle class – who cares about them?

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
America People Places

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
America Government Places Politics

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? … if they don’t know their rights, they shouldn’t be in the business.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Law

We have nothing to fear but fear itself… and of course the boogieman.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Emotions Fear

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

I feel proud to be living in a country where people are not afraid to laugh at themselves and where political satire is tolerated by the government, if not the television network.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Law Politics

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers; it's too good for them.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Activities People

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics: Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? … The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Activities Government Politics Travel

I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Politics

Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Education Learning School