Author: Peter Kay

It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Animals Food/Drink

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike; then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way… so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Beliefs God

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Food/Drink

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Miscellaneous

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar: the barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Communication

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Marriage Wives

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Miscellaneous

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Communication Wordplay

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Communication

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Things