Author: Phyllis Diller

Did you ever look in a mirror and wonder how your pantyhose got so wrinkled… and then remember you weren’t wearing any?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Old

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Situations Things

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Money People

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Sleep Work

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self Ugly

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Golf Laughter Sports

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Characteristics

By the time my friend was eighteen she had sown enough wild oats to make a grain deal with Russia.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Sex

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed!

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs Husbands Opinion

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Dogs

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Marriage Mistakes

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body Health Relationships

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Life

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Health

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love