Author: Phyllis Diller Page 2

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs Husbands Opinion

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Time

If it weren't for my Adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Self

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body

I have nothing against dogs; I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Dogs

Tennis is like marrying for money; ‘love’ means nothing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love Marriage Sports

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Autos People Places

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Health

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Clothing Signs

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Problems Situations

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Conflict Crime People Self Ugly

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors – eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Eating Food/Drink

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Places

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball Children Money Sports Wealth

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Work

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Time

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Love