Author: Ray Romano

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Life

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Marriage Wives

My wife said to me ‘I hope you win… but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don’t think it makes up for never saying it when we’re alone.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Situations

Men don’t like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to… you know… lower cuddling.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed; and if you really want to stay married, get two.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage

I’ll be spending the holidays with my family; nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Family

When you wake up one day and say, “You know what? I don’t think I ever need to sleep or have sex again.” … congratulations, you’re ready (to have children).

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Uhh. It smells like a skunk that came out of the ass of another skunk.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
TV/Movie Quotes

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

You can’t create fate ‘cause then its not fate, its voodoo.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
TV/Movie Quotes

That’s when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage

When I dance, people think I’m looking for my keys.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Dance Entertainment Self

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Mothers

My wife gets so jealous; she came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Characteristics Marriage Wives

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Problems

In a way, comedy is like sex… the more noise you hear, the better you think you’re doing.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Entertainment Sex

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

My wife gets all the money I make… I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Marriage Wives