Author: Richard Jeni

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened… the bathroom door, for example.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gassing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites, whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough… let’s go west.”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Conflict Killing Religion War

I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, OK, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence People Women

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after; alright, I shouldn’t have started her off with one that I was in – that was a mistake.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Family Mothers Religion

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

We would need less gun control is we had better birth control.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Know why it takes so many sperm to fertilize one egg – cause none of those f**kers will ask for directions.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Problems Sleep

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck and since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Success

At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

When one guy sees an invisible man he’s a nut case; ten people see him it’s a cult; ten million people see him it’s a respected religion.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Characteristics God Intelligence Religion