Author: Richard Jeni Page 2

If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower. – America

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

I’m Catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough… let’s go west.”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places

Going to war over religion, is basically just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Conflict Killing Religion War

One out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine… look into that second, less painful career.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Travel

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Problems Sleep

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

The way I see life, is like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg… why fight over the window seats?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Death Life

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Law Situations

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Problems

You know what the average person is?… average.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People