Author: Richard Jeni Page 2

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
New York City Places

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Family Mothers Religion

Pizza is like a lady’s breasts: there’s good pizza… and there’s great pizza; but there isn’t bad pizza.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Women

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs

I finally got her to watch a porno with me, and I did not get the reaction I was after; alright, I shouldn’t have started her off with one that I was in – that was a mistake.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites; these are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Government People Politics

They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
People

I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, OK, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence People Women

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened… the bathroom door, for example.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships

A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.' on how Chicago got started

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Places Situations

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!”

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
America Places

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Death Life

There is an obesity epidemic; one out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body