Author: Richard Lewis

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Fear Wordplay

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Proverbs

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Relationships Sex

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

I can’t do two things at once; I can’t have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self