Author: Richard Lewis

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Food/Drink

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics