Author: Richard Lewis

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Proverbs

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Fear Wordplay

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos Things

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I can’t do two things at once; I can’t have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness