Author: Richard Lewis Page 2

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Relationships Sex

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was: “Of course I know that I’m wrong.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Communication People Self Speech

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Proverbs

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep