Author: Richard Lewis Page 2

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Fear Wordplay

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Conflict People

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos Things

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex