Author: Rick Bayan

Necktie: A decorative noose worn by businessmen.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Clothing Definitions

Dna: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Genetic Engineering: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. –

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Science/Weather

Professional model: cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Appearance Body Definitions

There are no eccentrics in the suburbs.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Intelligence People Places

Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local tv news broadcasts.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

X-chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Women

Obituary: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor’s parakeet.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Death Definitions

Job: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Work

Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Government

Ideologue: Typically an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Beliefs Definitions

Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Crime Definitions

State-of-the-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Houseplants: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Things

Author: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Occupations Work

Redneck: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions People

Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Sex

Negotiating: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Money

Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Miscellaneous

Star: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions

Y-chromosome: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Men