Author: Rita Rudner

Blonds must have more fun; how many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Religion Situations

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Beliefs God Men

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Situations

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men People

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Men People

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

Sleep is the best of both worlds: you get to be alive and unconscious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations Sleep

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Men People

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Friends People Young

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Housework Mothers

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: if we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “jumping up and down.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Exercise