Author: Rita Rudner Page 3

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink Science/Weather

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Relationships

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: if we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “jumping up and down.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Exercise

A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Men People

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Food/Drink Hollywood Marriage Time

That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Shopping Women

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Conflict Killing Men People

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Appearance Body Old

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Marriage

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Conversation Men People Speech Sports Women

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women