Author: Rita Rudner Page 4

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner; these men usually have jobs and bathe.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Conflict Killing Men People

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Doctors Health

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Dance Entertainment

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Clothing Shopping

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Emotions Husbands Love Marriage

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Marriage

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Men People

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Clothing

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Children Family Parents

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Mothers

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was ‘Always.’

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Relationships Situations

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People