Author: Rita Rudner Page 4

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner; these men usually have jobs and bathe.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die… he just didn't want to call you.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Government Men Occupations People Work

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men People

I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Appearance Clothing

The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: if we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “jumping up and down.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Exercise

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity; that's how rich I want to be.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Money Wealth

I burned 60 calories… that should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Body Exercise Fat

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Beliefs God Men

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Food/Drink Science/Weather

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Sports Television

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Appearance Beer Body Men