Author: Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Beliefs People

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities Past People Time

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Books Communication Health Reading/Writing

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children Family

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Situations

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Time

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Language Speech

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Conflict Speech

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Money Reading/Writing

Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Intelligence Memory Past

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with it's just compounding the felony.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink Fools Intelligence

[Katherine Hepburn] is not a great actress, but one with a certain distinction which, with training, might possibly take the place of great acting in an emergency.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Acting Entertainment

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Health

We tried it twice and it worked both times.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Sex

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
America Places

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities America Places Travel

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Conflict Killing Men People Women

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who’s in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink