Author: Robert Benchley

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Age Health Young

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Intelligence

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Reading/Writing Success

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Time

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Death Food/Drink Health

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Books Communication Health Reading/Writing

In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities America Places Travel

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children Family

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Science/Weather

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
America Places

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who’s in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities Past People Time

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Conflict Killing Men People Women

[Katherine Hepburn] is not a great actress, but one with a certain distinction which, with training, might possibly take the place of great acting in an emergency.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Acting Entertainment

We tried it twice and it worked both times.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Sex

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Conflict Speech

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Communication Fools Intelligence

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Beliefs People