Author: Rod Schmidt

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?


Appearance Body Fat Sports

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


Communication Reading/Writing

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things