Author: Rod Schmidt

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


Communication Reading/Writing

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?


People Places

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


America Places

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God