Author: Rod Schmidt

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

Is "tired old cliche" one?


Communication Language

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
 Shakespeare?


Communication Reading/Writing

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

The sign said "eight items or less”… so I changed my name to Les.


People Self Situations

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.


Animals Appearance