Author: Rod Schmidt

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


New York City Places Things

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


Activities Communication Language Shopping

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.


Animals Things

I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.


Appearance Clothing

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


Activities Things

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them… now I can ride a unicycle.


Activities

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.


Eating Food/Drink

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

Is "tired old cliche" one?


Communication Language

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


America Places

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?


Communication Reading/Writing

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations