Author: Rodney Dangerfield

On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek… she bent over!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Women

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education TV/Movie Quotes

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Problems Success World

She was known as a two bagger; that’s when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

[on his donation of a building] I hereby dedicate this building to… myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Ugly

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way… I had it out.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

Mrs. Monahan: You pollute the air with your smoking. You reek of liquor and god knows what else. You’re an ecological menace!
Monty: Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics