Author: Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Hair Ugly

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

My wife put a mirror over our bed; she says she likes to watch herself laugh.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Laughter Sex

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

Thornton Melon: Look, I’m throwing a little party in our room tonight, and you’d better be there.
Diane: Oh, I’m sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight.
Melon: [groans] Bring him along! We may run outta ice.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime Places

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Eating Food/Drink Mothers Ugly

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Time