Author: Rodney Dangerfield

At my house we pray AFTER we eat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Eating Food/Drink

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Wives

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends People Women

And just remember, the best thing about kids… is making them!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I went to a massage parlor; it was self service.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Work

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education School Science/Weather

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway and he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

I got a book for my birthday “How to make it big.” I had to take it back, it was about money

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Marriage Problems Shopping Wives

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

My wife and I, we have a perfect plan to save our marriage, a nice little French restaurant, candlelight, a nice bottle of wine; I go on Tuesday, she goes on Thursday

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat