Author: Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

[breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

My wife and I, we have a perfect plan to save our marriage, a nice little French restaurant, candlelight, a nice bottle of wine; I go on Tuesday, she goes on Thursday

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girlfriends People Sex

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Vanessa: You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it! I want a divorce.

Melon: Divorce. I knew we had something in common.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face – it shows.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Ugly

[tees off] Fore! [his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch] … I should have yelled, “Two!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Golf Sports TV/Movie Quotes

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education TV/Movie Quotes