Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 10

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Cats People Self

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

[after answering 27 parts from one question of the final exam] No more!… I feel like I just gave birth… to an accountant

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I saved a girl from being attacked last night… I controlled myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Sex Speech

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Poverty Self

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I have good looking kids; thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Wives

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

In public school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships School Sex

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Wives

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Intelligence Relationships Stupidity

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs Ugly

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie;’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Appearance Body Food/Drink

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… before we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Time Wives

I'm at the age where I want two girls; in case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex