Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 10

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

I saved a girl from being attacked last night… I controlled myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Insults Old TV/Movie Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Places

Man: Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt [an Austrian painter].

Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She’s shown it to everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Art TV/Movie Quotes

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

They took a survey: “Why do men get up in the middle of the night?” Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men People

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Poverty Self

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

My girlfriend was no bargain either; she used to braid her armpits.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Girlfriends Hair People Ugly

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

I took out an English teacher. That didn’t work out at all. I sent her a love letter… She corrected it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

[to a waitress in a bar] Bring a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out… and then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Family Health