Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 12

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs People Self

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Sex Speech

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education School Science/Weather

My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Intelligence

What lovely girls. How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

At my house we pray AFTER we eat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Eating Food/Drink

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Government Honesty Politicians

Oh, we were doomed from the start. I’m an Earth sign. She’s a Water sign. Together, we made mud.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I figured out I’m bisexual; I have sex twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Dating Hair

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

[after answering 27 parts from one question of the final exam] No more!… I feel like I just gave birth… to an accountant

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes