Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 12

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection; my Yo-Yo… it never came back!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Things

I took out an English teacher. That didn’t work out at all. I sent her a love letter… She corrected it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Relationships

Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he’s such a beautiful boy! He’s got my eyes!
John Genaro: And he’s got my nose!
Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education Sex Young

… the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Last night he went on the paper four times… three of those times I was reading it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I met the surgeon general and he offered me a cigarette.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I once dated a girl that was wild. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Relationships

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Health

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Marriage Sex Speech Wives

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence