Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 12

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

With the shape I’m in you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Wives

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I know I’m not sexy; in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

When my wife has sex, she screams… especially when I walk in on her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Wives

No, with women, I never cry. Never. I beg

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

Man: Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt [an Austrian painter].

Thornton Melon: You too, huh? She’s shown it to everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Art TV/Movie Quotes

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Marriage Problems Shopping Wives

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way… I had it out.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex