Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 2

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek… she bent over!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Women

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Fathers People Self

[breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow; he told me to wear a brown tie.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me; just the other night she called me from a hotel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Sex Speech

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood; I wish it was in my act.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Entertainment

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… before we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Time Wives

I get up and a button falls off… I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off; I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Problems Self

Why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Vanessa: You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it! I want a divorce.

Melon: Divorce. I knew we had something in common.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Wives

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Sex Things

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie;’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Appearance Body Food/Drink

My wife and I, we have a perfect plan to save our marriage, a nice little French restaurant, candlelight, a nice bottle of wine; I go on Tuesday, she goes on Thursday

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men Money Work