Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 3

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Sex

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

Why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Self Wives

They took a survey: “Why do men get up in the middle of the night?” Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men People

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family Intelligence Marriage Stupidity

She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education History Old School Time

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

One night she told me to put out the garbage; I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I get up and a button falls off… I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off; I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Problems Self

What lovely girls. How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes