Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 5

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men Money Work

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat

I don't get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt… on the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Communication Marriage Sex Speech Wives

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he’s such a beautiful boy! He’s got my eyes!
John Genaro: And he’s got my nose!
Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

My girlfriend was no bargain either; she used to braid her armpits.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Girlfriends Hair People Ugly

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Places

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People

I know I’m not sexy; in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

With the shape I’m in, you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I can’t figure women out. They only think about themselves. Why, during sex, Vanessa – she used to scream out her own name!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

No, with women, I never cry. Never. I beg

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement; I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Time

Why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass outta yourselves.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes