Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 7

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

The football team from my high school was tough, after they sacked the quarterback they went after his family.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I figured out I’m bisexual; I have sex twice a year.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

My daughter… she failed her drivers test; she couldn’t get used to the front seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Driving Family Sex

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

With the shape I’m in you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, “Come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at.” She said, “You’d better, because the last time I couldn’t find it.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap; he was in the electric chair.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Death Relationships

My old man… I told him I'm tired of running around in circles… so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

My old man was dumb, he picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Family Health

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Mothers Self

With the shape I’m in, you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

I’m at the age where food has taken over the role of sex in my life. In fact last night, I put a mirror over my kitchen table.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Self Sex

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education School Science/Weather