Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 8

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Sex

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

And just remember, the best thing about kids… is making them!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education History Old School Time

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion; he said okay, you’re ugly too.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Entertainment People

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

Some dog I got too; we call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

With the shape I’m in, you could donate my body to science fiction.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

The football team from my high school was tough, after they sacked the quarterback they went after his family.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

[breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs Ugly

You may already be a loser!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics

I got a book for my birthday “How to make it big.” I had to take it back, it was about money

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives