Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 9

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night; now, we'll never see each other!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

[tees off] Fore! [his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch] … I should have yelled, “Two!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Golf Sports TV/Movie Quotes

I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Problems Success World

At my house we pray AFTER we eat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Eating Food/Drink

… the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, he threw the teacher out the window!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose; last night she used me to time an egg.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Wives

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes Ugly

Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Family Fathers

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers