Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 9

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old Situations

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

I know Im getting old – I had an accident; I was arrested for hit and walk.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Health

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

My wife put a mirror over our bed; she says she likes to watch herself laugh.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Laughter Sex

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Doctors Health

Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beer Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

I saved a girl from being attacked last night… I controlled myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Men Money Work

I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Sex

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self