Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 9

I met the surgeon general and he offered me a cigarette.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Health

At my house we pray AFTER we eat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Eating Food/Drink

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Intelligence Relationships Stupidity

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

Some dog I got too; we call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Ugly

I knew my parents hated me because my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games Things

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed; she went out to get a second opinion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

Life is just a bowl of pits.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Food/Drink Life

For years I wouldn’t kiss my mother-in-law on the cheek… and I end up kissing her ass!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Mothers Sex

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving

[after answering 27 parts from one question of the final exam] No more!… I feel like I just gave birth… to an accountant

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

I took out an English teacher. That didn’t work out at all. I sent her a love letter… She corrected it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood; I wish it was in my act.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Entertainment

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things