Author: Ron White

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine's putting in an express lane.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places

If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Places

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade… then find someone who’s life has given them vodka, and have a party.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Life

I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Law

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Women

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Death

You can't fix stupid; there’s not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Intelligence Stupidity

I didn't climb to the top of the f**kin' food chain to eat carrots.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Speech