Author: Steve Martin

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Entertainment

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Sleep Time

A day without sunshine is like, you know… night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Wordplay

I opened the show with this line: “I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! … Oh, wait, sorry, that’s tomorrow night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Entertainment

Don't have sex… it leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Conversation Sex

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Education Learning

And now, I’m pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Friends People

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman… it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Entertainment

How many people have never raised their hand before?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Body Communication People Women Wordplay

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Art Entertainment

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like none weeks and five days.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

Yeah… I remember my first beer.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Alcohol Beer Food/Drink

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Emotions Entertainment Laughter People

Let me be the first to tweet about the 2018 earthquake.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

Somewhere in the world is… the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… an Arctic region covered with ice.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
America Places

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs Characteristics Self

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Money Sex