Author: Steve Martin

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Beliefs

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Reading/Writing

These days it’s hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals Dogs

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals Cats

Some people have a way with words, and other people… oh, uh, not have way.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Wordplay

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Communication Dance Entertainment Music Speech

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Sleep Time

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Money TV/Movie Quotes Work

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like none weeks and five days.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Money Sex

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Education Learning

A day without sunshine is like, you know… night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Communication Wordplay

Let me be the first to tweet about the 2018 earthquake.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Life Time

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health Problems

I opened the show with this line: “I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! … Oh, wait, sorry, that’s tomorrow night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Entertainment

Persistence is a great substitute for talent.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Characteristics

Always… no wait… never…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

You’re like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Insults