Author: Steven Wright

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fear People

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Art

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink