Author: Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Law Things

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Art

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment People

My friend George is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success