Author: Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Young

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I took a baby shower.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Time

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Definitions

I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Self

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Eating Food/Drink History Time

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Situations

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Work

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather