Author: Steven Wright

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends People

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Places World

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Future Time

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year, and I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Old Young

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Music Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear