Author: Steven Wright Page 10

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Law Things

I like candy canes; they’re my favorite candy… but I only like the white part.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Death Life Old Young

I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Future Time

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Education

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

My school colors were clear; we used to say, “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Clothing

I took a baby shower.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Dating Relationships

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fools Intelligence Money