Author: Steven Wright Page 11

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I wish my first spoken word was 'Quote' so I could make my last word 'Unquote'.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Dating Relationships

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Places World

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People