Author: Steven Wright Page 11

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Doctors Exercise Health

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment People

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay