Author: Steven Wright Page 12

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Things

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Fools Sports

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

One day my girlfriend asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Government Lawyers Occupations Work

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money