Author: Steven Wright Page 12

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things Wordplay

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Games People

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Occupations Wordplay Work

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Time

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Things

I wrote a few children's books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things