Author: Steven Wright Page 13

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Time

I broke a leg one time… spilled coffee all over.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Problems

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs Drugs God People

My father was a small claims court jester.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Wordplay

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

I talk to myself a lot; that bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations