Author: Steven Wright Page 13

Went to court for a parking ticket… I pleaded insanity.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My neighbors don’t like it when I talk to my plants… I use a megaphone.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Time

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind Sex

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab… the movie cost me $95.00.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film Money

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Things

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I got an answering machine for my phone; now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time