Author: Steven Wright Page 14

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs

I told her the thing I loved most about her was her mind… because that's what told her to get into bed with me naked.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind Sex

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money People Situations

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sports Time