Author: Steven Wright Page 2

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Occupations Wordplay Work

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Killing

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous Self

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

I was skydiving horizontally.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations