Author: Steven Wright Page 2

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

The earth is bipolar.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

I'm writing a book… I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sports Time

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fear People

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather