Author: Steven Wright Page 3

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends Relationships Time

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Work

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fear People

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Fools Sports

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Time Young

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing