Author: Steven Wright Page 3

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator…. he didn’t get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics People Time

One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Games People

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Is ‘tired old cliche’ one?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2” taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things