Author: Steven Wright Page 3

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50; so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Entertainment Money

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Communication Reading/Writing

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment; when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sex

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.I was a peripheral visionary; I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Future Time

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things