Author: Steven Wright Page 3

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Time Young

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Education

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Work

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Science/Weather

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sports Time

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Characteristics Fear

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there; hunters would be all confused.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Women

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment People

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Wordplay

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

I have an inferiority complex, it’s just not a very good one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health