Author: Steven Wright Page 4

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fools Intelligence Money

A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me… I'm afraid of widths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Fear People

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over"?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Places Speech

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places World

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things