Author: Steven Wright Page 4

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things Work

It’s not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Why is the alphabet in that order?… is it because of that song?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Support bacteria – they're the only culture some people have.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment People

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Film

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Life Time

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay