Author: Steven Wright Page 4

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

Hermits have no peer pressure.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sports Time

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Time

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Fat Hockey

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Alcohol Food/Drink Time

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour; I said, “the whole time.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things Wordplay

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know… granted, it takes longer.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Past Time

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money